Bedtime Q&A…

image It’s late and I haven’t slept in days, not slept through in weeks so although my speech is slurred it is not from too much sedative, well not yet.  I have taken to sitting outside in the quietness of the evening and just being still, listening and feeling, thinking and processing life as it spins around me.

For the last couple of weeks Belle has asked that I sit with her as she falls asleep so that we can have quiet time and chat.  Each night we each get a turn to ask a question, sometimes her bear also gets a chance.  We talk, we giggle and she learns through the questions she asks.

“What must I do when other children look at me funny, they look at me funny, why do they look at me funny?”

Sometimes people are deep in thought and lose track of who they are looking at.  They end up staring at you with an odd expression on their faces but it doesn’t mean that they are thinking bad things about you.

Sometimes they are thinking bad things, even mean things, or we feel that they are.

When they do that, no matter if they’re an adult or another kiddie just crack the biggest smile at them and you’ll see.  They either become embarrassed that they were caught with a mean look or realise that they were somewhere else and snap out of it.

We did role playing – she did it the next day at school at it worked phew.

“Sometimes my best friend is mean to me, we’re playing and then we fights and she tells me she’s not my friend anymore, she doesn’t like me anymore.  It hurts me and I cry.”

When someone says that to you, look them straight in the eyes and say the following “It’s ok, you don’t have to like me, I still like you” and walk away.  If they really love or like you and are just angry with you they will come back, if they don’t then that means they are the type of people you don’t want in your life.  If it is because of something you did, apologise as well, at least then you have done all you can do.

We did role playing and I got the response “My brain is very smart today, I rememeried it easy peasy”

“Sometimes the kids call me names at school, they tell me I am tiny or shorts or other bad names and I don’t like it, it makes me cry.  Why do they do that?”

Sometimes kids can be mean, sometimes it is because they are jealous or having a bad day.  Perhaps something bad happened at home and they take it out on others.  When people call you names just look at them in the eye and say “Thank you” turn away and don’t let them see your tears. 

By saying thank you it will confuse them, they are expecting you to get upset and when you say thank you they don’t know what to do.

Role playing again and then practice with her older brother telling her that she is weird for her love of snails (pah he was seriously jealous that she found a cool pearly one!).

“Why are some kids just sad, they don’t smile, they don’t laugh, they’re wear grumpy pants every single day!”

Everyone has bad days, sometimes it is because their mamma’s or/and pappa’s are mean with them at home, sometimes its because of their brothers and sisters.  They could be sick or their grandma could be sick.

Next time you see someone like that, why don’t you run in to the school field and pick a flower and give it to them.  They might smile back, they might not but that flower could make their bad day better.

Once I saw an old lady with a sore back carrying heavy bags waiting to cross the road.  I could see she was battling and the bags were making her sore sore so I asked her “Mam can I carry your bags across the road for you”.  The old lady was so shocked that I offered she kept saying “Bless you, bless you, you are an angel, thank you so much, you have made my bad day so much better”.  It made me feel better.

“But what if I don’t feel nice, what if I am sad?”

Sometimes when we do nice things for other people it makes us feel better, seeing their sad faces smile makes us smile.  Smiles and laughing is like the flu, its catchy.  When I’m sad I try make someone else smile because I know it will make me smile as well.  Why don’t we try it tomorrow? What do you think?

Yes, I’m going to pick flowers and Monday I give them to the sad girl at school.  Will you helpppp me?

Yes, of course!

I feel honoured that that little mind wants to learn and learn from the things I tell her but it is one heck of a scary journey.  What if what I tell her is just me passing on my “faults”?

Am I on the wrong track? Am I doing right by that little 5 year old?


A mixed world of polar bear differences

image It shocked me today to hear out of an eight year olds mouth that he didn’t believe in charity.  At first I thought he was joking and made the comment that it couldn’t be true only to hear him confirm that he doesn’t believe in charity.  He went on to say that he has never seen it, the only charity he has ever seen is one beggar with his mother and they didn’t give anything to him.

image I was in a state of shock and then intense sadness at the truth of this world we live in.  On one side there is money, more than needed fully stocked cupboards and food a plentiful.  On the other side are millions of children who don’t even have safe water to drink, a slice of bread a day without butter and jam if they’re lucky.  They don’t know about each other either and if the richer kids find out about the poorer ones they don’t believe it until they see it… in person.

If we were in Africa I’d take this unaware kid that has a big heart to an Orphanage, allow him to hold a baby that is so marked by the ravishes of living that it’s bones stick out.  I’d get him to help dish up soup for the lunch lines at the shelter, let him watch the peoples faces change at the prospect of having a full belly.  This kid’s had a good life compared to millions of other kids but he can’t comprehend it, he’s never seen it or felt it in his life.

Polar bear differences in one world, the indifference by those that have towards those that have never had a chance is ridiculous, beyond ridiculous.  I don’t fault that little boy I fault society, I fault society for not creating awareness or caring.  With this recession progressing as it is I don’t think it will be long before “one” beggar becomes thousands worldwide like it is everyday in Africa.

Soon the world won’t be able to ignore Africa because Africa will be the world. The world will not be able to run anymore from the truths and the harsh reality. 

Those that had will find themselves without and standing right next to the man they spat at on the side of the road last week when he asked for a few coins to by some bread for his 3 barely clothed children standing on the other side waiting for him.

Those that laughed at the images of family upon family living in shacks in Africa will find themselves encased in a tent on the side of the road in a run down once upon a time happy suburbia.

For many newly homeless, those that used to make statements that the drunk lying in the street should sober up and just get a job will find themselves sharing more than one bottle with the same guy just to drown away his sorrows.

It doesn’t make me happy at all to make these statements but it is the truth and reality of the present day in this world. 

It’s happening as we speak.

Sometimes this world makes me sick to my stomach. 

Sometimes it makes me sit on the floor in a ball and just cry.

Compassion is free.

Caring is free.

Someone that stands up and says let me help priceless.

African Dream

This song is possibly one of the most well known to come out of Africa, it is one that follows me where ever I go and always brings peace to my soul in times of unrest.

Listen and read the lyrics… Africa will run through my blood no matter where I am in the world, my heart beats to the drums of its soul…



Sometimes alone in the evening,I look outside my window,
At the shadow in the night.
I hear the sound of distant crying, the darkness multiplying,
The weary hearts denied.
All I feel is my heartbeat,
Beating like a drum,
Beating with confusion.
All I hear are the voices,
Telling me to go,
But I could never run.
Cos’ in my African Dream
There’s a new tommorow
Cos’ in my african Dream
Theres a dream that we can follow
Now when the night begins to fall, I listen for your call,
I listen for your heartbeat.
Although my dream is just a dream, another false illusion,
A shadow in the night.
All I want is for our heartbeats,
The beat just as one,
To silence that confusion.
And the pain and the illusion,
Will dissapear again,
And we would never run
Cos’ in my African Dream
Theres a new tommorow
Cos’ in my african Dream
Theres a dream that we can follow

Life move’s forward

water I sit here for the first time in a long time with a need to write, I feel the words once more flowing from my mind, soul and heart to my fingers.  It has been a long long while since I last felt this and so much has happened in the “in between”.

I look back to November last year when I made my journey to this Island of England and I find myself just sitting here and shaking my head in a slow manner (don’t want to dislodge my brain just when I got it back!).  Truth is November last year doesn’t quite feel like only a few months ago, it feels like a decade has passed in between then and now.

Who I am today is not who I was back then, the people in my life have changed as well, relationships shifted and morphed, friends have moved on and new ones have entered.  I have been in a cocoon of self protection, encased in the fear of more change, trying to learn the lessons that needed to be learnt and hold on to the person I am…

All the while the phrase “I am just a kid” keeps repeating like a stuck gramophone in my head.  I am just a kid and everyone around me seems so wise, together and experienced.  That’s the other personality, my inner fighter one says I have been given the greatest opportunity helped by friends with the biggest hearts and I just don’t want to fuck it up, I want to do the best I can and fake it till I make it. 

If all else fails I will not fail.

Aye a hard lesson for the soul, heart and mind.  There is no failure while you are trying your hardest, doing the best you can even if everyone else thinks you are messing up.

In 22 days I leave once more for a new country, have two kids I look after and a partner who is similar to me in the fact that we both fear the person we were in past relationships versus the one we are in.  We both fight to make it what it should be not what our pasts were.  Each day is hard work yet rewarding for the fact that we both know who we don’t want to be.

I don’t want to be the person I was in the past, giving my all and receiving nothing, self sacrificing, a wimp, giving up my soul, wants, needs for another.  He doesn’t want to be controlling, selfish, career focused bully.  A few have said we are doomed in our quest, but we both want to prove the world wrong and keep trying.  Honestly, the fact that we are both aware of these traits helps us both help each other with the end goal. 

This year marks a year of many breakdowns, self realisations and torment but it also symbolises the inner fight to be the person I am meant to be without the shackles of the past.  Where I will be by year end only the Puppet Master knows but one thing I do know is that who I was a year ago is not the person I am today…

I miss the old me but embrace the new one, the balance between the two will have to be found and that is the purpose of this year.

My greatest sadness is that I can’t talk it all through with Nessa, my spiritual mother gifted to me when I was just a child.

Time moves life forward, whether we keep up is up to us… that’s a whole post on its own…

1 July 2009, Flemington, New Jersey… the next goal

 Kids HousesBackyard

Whirlwinds of Disaster is the Forecast…

* This post may have the odd atrocious swear word but then sometimes things are best said with more expressive words don’t you agree?

I’ve haven’t been blogging due to a slight case of chaos, road trips and organising for the impending move, finding a house and looking for schools for the kids.  Through it all is the forecast of disaster which my positive nature refuses to accept.  There is always a way out of disaster no matter what is said or done, there is ALWAYS a way to make it through.

We leave the UK on 30 June heading towards the Garden State to a house without a white picket fence but with forest and creek.  Yip the river runs through the 3 Acre property so I am smiling. 

The Cruella (the because at the moment she is an object to me) is staying again, this time though it is different.  She walked into the house and knew that she was just a guest, not the boss and I not the servant to whom she can push around.  Jude and I left the night she arrived in the middle of the night once the kids were safely tucked up in bed for a Coastal road trip. 

The road trip was awesome! … and we eventually found sandy beaches albeit I did have a longing for the white beaches of Africa but feeling the ocean play with my toes filled me with such incredible peace.  An adventure like none other!

Road Trip 094

Road Trip 017 Road Trip 132  Worthing  ~ 005

On another note my mother, yip the one and only, was rushed to hospital on Thursday with Pulmonary Embolisms.  Not one but 8 in both of her lungs, she is still in hospital and the doctors say that they might release her next week depending on her condition.  I spoke to her today and apparently the doctors are now worried that they are heading towards her brain because of her severe migraine so more tests, CAT scans and weird radiation thingies. 

Strangely I am not worried nor overtly stressed about it, I have been at her bedside when she has almost died so many times that I believe she is a cat with nine lives.  It has given her the time though to think about a few things.  Am I mean?  Perhaps I am just cold after all that has past.  Sad about that.

Yesterday I was also made aware of my mothers ex-business partner being in the papers.  Apparently she is now being sued by 5 other travel agencies for her fraudulent ways.  Perhaps my mother’s and my case will get sorted out and… perhaps I will get payment for services never paid for by the wench.  What comes around goes around and they’re talking jail time for the bitch.  I have a lot of joy running through my veins at the justice being served

That all said and done I do need a magic wand for this move but for now it seems like things are under control.  Jude finished work on Friday for “good” so I’ll have another pair of hands to sort out the house, thank gawd!

Ok now someone blow the witch of Eastwick out of my house and I’ll be happy… shoo shoo fly don’t bother me!

Missing you all – can’t wait to just sit and have a good read!

Every parents nightmare

I guess I’m writing in the shock of it, truth be told my impulse is to phone someone, anyone and just cry but my world sleeps or is in meetings, too far away.

A child in Belle’s class, his little cute boy face sitting on the side of the road all bloodied just staring, the mother holding him, trying to talk to him, his 8 year old brother just standing there staring at his brother. 

I looked at all the gathering mothers, all standing on the opposite road talking, some crying, most rubbing the goosebumps over their arms as I was.  I couldn’t stay there and join them, I wasn’t going to hang around to see him loaded into the ambulance.  Perhaps that was wrong of me but I know the mother, all the people would just add more stress to her and she was barely holding it together as it was.

That poor little boy, all I can do is cry and pray that he is ok, I can’t do anymore than that.

For Monty Python fans

Both in need of a laugh and can’t get the song out of my head – woke up with it, what can you do!