Soul Hiatus

Last year was harder on me than I could admit at the time, it wasn’t only the surroundings I found myself in but rather the growth on my soul.  Everyday I was facing some aspect of myself, constantly working, tweaking, healing even when I didn’t think I was.  It took it out of me in all honesty.

I wrote so much about my past, all the abuse, the heartache, the survival, the everything. Opening those old wounds was hardcore most days.  With each word it replayed before my eyes sometimes like a movie, sometimes like reality.  I faced it and saw the lessons that lay dormant waiting for me to find.

Everyone constantly told me that I was doing better than I thought, told me that they believed in me, pointed me in the right direction, supported me and gave me credit. 

At the time it pulled me apart so much that I couldn’t face it, it scared me shitless and made me want to crawl into a corner.  I didn’t believe it or think it of myself, it was hard to take and in the end made me ultimately withdraw into a little corner cowering in fear that I would fuck it all up, that I would let these amazing people down… and when they saw the fuck ups they would retreat as well, they would disappear.

A hard truth but a truth none the less, a resident never dormant for long fear… that I am facing.

Soul Hiatus… everyone thought I was strong but it wasn’t the case, not at all.  Most days I felt like a kid standing in bigger shoes than I could handle, some days I still do. 

I took a break, I should’ve taken one sooner but didn’t want to let anyone down, I resisted it because of what it meant to me as well. I was stubborn to think that I could handle it all with out a few heavy bumps, a few heavy knock downs… it takes its toll even when we don’t want to admit it.

I faced a lot, tried to run from it, came back and faced it again and then life kicked me in the butt and tossed me back into the world.  I found myself returning with a few big surprises that shook a few more foundations than I have been ready to admit.

I suddenly found myself on constant alert not to turn into my mother or make her mistakes once more, looking after two impressionable kids scared the living shit out of me.  Every single thing I found myself doing I did in petrified happiness, the purest kind of petrified, the purest kind of happiness.

When I experienced my breakdown a couple of weeks ago it was a turning point for me.  Everything had built up so much that I just had to release it, I was a wreck and lower than I have been in many years.  I stopped mid stage five tearbreaker (the kind that has you doubled over and pulls muscles) and went cold to my toes.  Where I was I had sworn to myself never to return once more, I was looking down at the dark tunnel hanging on to the ledge with my fingernails about to fall into its depths of darkness.

This new blog is a chance for me to be me again, come what may, say what may.  The old one had to be put to proverbial rest, a chapter that has closed and a new that has been opened.  Some will never understand why I did it and that is ok, I did it for my sanity alone and no one else’s.

My soul took an hiatus of sorts but I can feel once more that the little thing is slowly shaking off the cobwebs and reaching out once more.  Perhaps it is because I know more of where I am and where I am going, perhaps it is acceptance of the things I can’t change and things I can and am.

In life we can only run and hide for so long, no matter how far we go life has a way of pulling you back… when you’re ready.