A mixed world of polar bear differences

It shocked me today to hear out of an eight year olds mouth that he didn’t believe in charity.  At first I thought he was joking and made the comment that it couldn’t be true only to hear him confirm that he doesn’t believe in charity.  He went on to say that he has never seen it, the only charity he has ever seen is one beggar with his mother and they didn’t give anything to him.

I was in a state of shock and then intense sadness at the truth of this world we live in.  On one side there is money, more than needed fully stocked cupboards and food a plentiful.  On the other side are millions of children who don’t even have safe water to drink, a slice of bread a day without butter and jam if they’re lucky.  They don’t know about each other either and if the richer kids find out about the poorer ones they don’t believe it until they see it… in person.

If we were in Africa I’d take this unaware kid that has a big heart to an Orphanage, allow him to hold a baby that is so marked by the ravishes of living that it’s bones stick out.  I’d get him to help dish up soup for the lunch lines at the shelter, let him watch the peoples faces change at the prospect of having a full belly.  This kid’s had a good life compared to millions of other kids but he can’t comprehend it, he’s never seen it or felt it in his life.

Polar bear differences in one world, the indifference by those that have towards those that have never had a chance is ridiculous, beyond ridiculous.  I don’t fault that little boy I fault society, I fault society for not creating awareness or caring.  With this recession progressing as it is I don’t think it will be long before “one” beggar becomes thousands worldwide like it is everyday in Africa.

Soon the world won’t be able to ignore Africa because Africa will be the world. The world will not be able to run anymore from the truths and the harsh reality. 

Those that had will find themselves without and standing right next to the man they spat at on the side of the road last week when he asked for a few coins to by some bread for his 3 barely clothed children standing on the other side waiting for him.

Those that laughed at the images of family upon family living in shacks in Africa will find themselves encased in a tent on the side of the road in a run down once upon a time happy suburbia.

For many newly homeless, those that used to make statements that the drunk lying in the street should sober up and just get a job will find themselves sharing more than one bottle with the same guy just to drown away his sorrows.

It doesn’t make me happy at all to make these statements but it is the truth and reality of the present day in this world. 

It’s happening as we speak.

Sometimes this world makes me sick to my stomach. 

Sometimes it makes me sit on the floor in a ball and just cry.

Compassion is free.

Caring is free.

Someone that stands up and says let me help priceless.

African Dream

This song is possibly one of the most well known to come out of Africa, it is one that follows me where ever I go and always brings peace to my soul in times of unrest.

Listen and read the lyrics… Africa will run through my blood no matter where I am in the world, my heart beats to the drums of its soul…

 

 

Sometimes alone in the evening,I look outside my window,
At the shadow in the night.
I hear the sound of distant crying, the darkness multiplying,
The weary hearts denied.
All I feel is my heartbeat,
Beating like a drum,
Beating with confusion.
All I hear are the voices,
Telling me to go,
But I could never run.
(Chorus)
Cos’ in my African Dream
There’s a new tommorow
Cos’ in my african Dream
Theres a dream that we can follow
Now when the night begins to fall, I listen for your call,
I listen for your heartbeat.
Although my dream is just a dream, another false illusion,
A shadow in the night.
All I want is for our heartbeats,
The beat just as one,
To silence that confusion.
And the pain and the illusion,
Will dissapear again,
And we would never run
(Chorus)
Cos’ in my African Dream
Theres a new tommorow
Cos’ in my african Dream
Theres a dream that we can follow

Feels like summer again

Another song that follows me around, its lyrics call to be sung out loud, sung on the top of their voice… a song perhaps that we all need to hear at different points in our journey – hope you enjoy!

My mind is open
And my heart is full
I ain’t got any weight
That I can’t pull
And right now
I know that anything
Is possible
I’m gonna bang my drum
Blow my horn
I forget what these pills
Were ever for
I believe
I won’t need them anymore
I used to burn candles
At both ends
Now I just throw the whole damn thing
Right in
Now playing in traffic is easy
Once you learn
Where you get in
You wanna come with me
Then get on board
Get in or get out
Use either door
The future is calling
And it’s me
That it’s looking for
Cause’ it feels like summer again
I was thinking that it just might never begin
After winter and spring
It’s good to have the sun on my face again
I wear big boots
I know I do
I ain’t envious
Of anybodies shoes
I wear em’ loose
Now maybe that’s
Why it bothers you
I’m building my ship
Stick by stick
And where the waters get rough
I’m getting in
The motion of the waves
It does not
Make me sick
[chorus]
I buried my horse
In a shallow a grave
I said few things
I had champagne
That beast gave me everything
That nobody gave
I got high hopes
Tomorrow came
I won’t look back
On anything
I just found out
That my bird
Can really sing…

The beauty in the light before a storm

Have you ever sat outside just before a storm is about to hit, the light seems to dance off everything before you lighting up the landscape of nature.  Right before the storm hits is when I love to get my camera out and take photos, the clarity and contrast, the beauty and light just perfect.  Such as it is in life in so many ways. 

Optimistic versus pessimistic, a choice of how we view the last light before the storm hits.  We look up into the sky and see it dark with heavy water laden clouds and we choose how to brace it.

Do you enjoy the last light, the beauty in it or do you see the storm coming and shut all the windows, put all the things that could get wet out of the rains way and find shelter cursing the weather Gods?

Some storms don’t have that magical light preceding it but is it because our eyes are closed to it or because the storm started way before and we were just avoiding it?

Those who have experienced many storms in their life learn to enjoy that special moment before the storm hits.  Knowing that it will be a while before they see the sun again they enjoy every moment they have but sometimes even the weather torn people forget to enjoy the little moments of joy.

Life isn’t life if we run from the storms, life isn’t life if we don’t learn to enjoy the little moments of pure beauty and happiness…

Life isn’t life without living through each and every moment… sometimes harder than it seems but ultimately a choice each of us carries with us.

The river of life

The river of life is the journey that we take from birth to death, forever evolving, forever meandering with seasons and droughts.  At birth we are put on the path with no road map or guides, we are told no warnings of what to expect or of the dangers that lie in wait for us.

As we travel along that river of life we will often find ourselves covering all sorts of terrain, we go over hills of all sizes, sometimes we find ourselves climbing over big rocks and at other times walking over pebbles.

Sometimes we pause to take in the beauty and at others we run from wasps and creatures that smell a delicious dinner.  We pick up flowers and bring them to our noses inhaling their sweet scent, we get sad seeing a creature fallen before us or skeletons of past travellers along the road.

If we’re lucky we will bump into fellow travellers along the way and they guide us over the really difficult parts while at other’s there’s not another soul in sight.

Through it all though there are those precipices, the times when we pause and take a look at both sides of the river and notice that the one we are walking on is not as colourful as the one on the other side, the river is mostly dry where as towards the other side it flows with a steady pace. 

The precipice is what separates you from the other side of the river.  There is no bridge to quickly cross to the other side so you find yourself sitting with a decision that could change your whole journey. 

Option one is that you continue walking on the same path with no guarantees that you will find that desired bridge.  The word “Maybe” keeps one foot in front of the other as you walk along the barren land. 

Option two is that you cross the rocky danger infested river bed that has demonic creatures and monsters from the past, obstacles and challenges that you must face in order to get to the other brighter side.  The river could claim your life, you could break a few bones, old wounds will scratch open and bleed.

We all swing between these two options in all instances we come across in life.  The decision to cross the river might be sometimes easier than others, sometimes it can be so scary that we opt to walk a little longer on the drought barren path building up courage to take the first step over the edge.

Ultimately we have to cross to the other side or we allow our souls to become barren and dry, colourless and dead.  All change is necessary, no matter how long we take, no matter how far we try to run from it. 

Cross the river and face the demons that lurk, bleed through old wounds and keep going over the obstacles, slay the monsters and get to the other side… For once on the other side you emerge stronger, your spirit is lifted and you once again can smell the true sweet scent from the flowers, the scent of life you had forgotten existed.

Fighting for another day

This song played on the radio after the all important discussion and I thought it poetically beautiful.

This song was originally created in part to raise funds for Cancer patients and research but as I listened to it over and over it reminded me of all the soul/spiritual/heart cancers that we often forget about, put under the covers, in the corners of our minds.

Negative thought bias can be like cancerous cells upon our souls.  The longer they are left to their own devises the longer they get to spread through our whole belief systems slowly destroying everything we truly are leaving only the shell.

Facing our demons, challenging our negative thought biases or self belief can be both daunting and seemingly soul destroying. The fear of realising you really are as bad as you thought/believed can send you spiralling downwards so fast that it rocks every foundation of your being.  It can seriously have you on your knees trembling in fear, it can be a persons worst horror film replayed with them in it.

I felt like that when I was first told that how I view myself is far different to how others view me.  I quite literally started to tremble in my socks when I first started challenging my self beliefs, each time I did I was so scared shitless of finding out the truth that after finding out that my negatives were wrong I’d have to take a time out and go into hibernation.

Thing is that after a while of challenging it becomes second nature, like a bad habit except a good one.  After a while when you find yourself thinking something bad about yourself, when you find your self belief so low you are spiritually crawling, you question it, look at the whole picture and see it for what it is.  Insecurity at its best.

Standing up, knowing your real self not the self perceived or enforced self is one of the most liberating things to experience.  Getting there isn’t easy but once there it is like a soft summer breeze upon your skin.  Its a continual process though and often I slip back, sometimes one thing can lead to another and I can find myself crawling all over again trembling at the knees in fear.

It will always be one step in front of the other, some days we walk, others we run and then we crawl till we can walk again, run again.  It doesn’t make us weaker it makes us stronger.

Maybe this song will mean as much to you as it does to me, the lyrics are awesome and my hips have the impulsive urge to do their Shakira thing in time with each under beat… so get your Shakira shoes on and enjoy…

This is my Upstate New York Theme Song, this chapter’s and perhaps one that I’ll return to just to kick my ass into gear every now and then!

All:
Everything will be alright, yeah

Beyoncé:
The heart is stronger than you think
It’s like it can go through anything
And even when you think
It can’t it finds a way
To still push on though

Carrie Underwood:
Sometimes you want to run away
Ain’t got the patience for the pain
And if you don’t believe it
Look into your heart
The beat goes on

Rihanna:
I’m tellin’ you that

Rihanna/Miley Cyrus:
Things get better through whatever

Rihanna:
If you fall dust it off
Don’t let up

Sheryl Crow:
Don’t you know
You can go
Be your own miracle

Beyoncé:
You need to know

Chorus (Sheryl Crow):
If the mind keeps thinking
You’ve had enough
But the heart keeps telling you
Don’t give up

Sheryl Crow/Beyoncé:
Who are we to be questioning
Wondering what is what
Don’t give up
Through it all
Just stand up

Fergie:
It’s like
We all have better days
Problems getting all up
In your face

Leona Lewis:
Just because you go through it

Fergie:
Don’t mean it got to take control, no

Leona Lewis:
You ain’t gotta find no hiding place

Keyshia Cole:
Because the heart can beat the hate

Leona Lewis:
Don’t wanna
Let your mind
Keep playin’ you

Keyshia Cole:
And sayin’ you can’t go on

Rihanna:
I’m tellin’ you that

Miley Cyrus:
Things get better
Through whatever

Rihanna:
If you fall

Miley Cyrus:
Dust if off don’t let up

LeAnn Rimes:
Don’t you know you

Natasha Bedingfield:
Can go

LeAnn Rimes:
Be your own

Natasha Bedingfield:
Miracle

Carrie Underwood:
You need to know

(Chorus-All)

Mary J. Blige:
You don’t gotta be
A prisoner in your mind

Ciara:
If you fall dust it off

Mary J. Blige:
You can live your life

Rihanna/Carrie Underwood:
Yeah

Mary J. Blige:
Let your heart be your guide

Rihanna/Carrie:
Yeah, yeah, yeah

Mariah Carey:
And you will know
That you’re good
If you trust in the good

Ashanti:
Everything
Will be alright, yeah
Light up the dark
If you follow your heart

Mary J. Blige:
And it will get better

Mariah Carey:
Through whatever

(Chorus All)

Fergie:
You got it in you
Find it within
You got in now
Find it within now
You got in you
Find it within
You got in now
Find it within now
You got in you
Find it within
Find it within you
Find it within

All:
Through it all
Just stand up

Prologue ~ The start of the trip

This trip didn’t quite start as it should’ve with warm happy fuzzies and excitement.  Instead I found myself trying to find any available energy just to remain sane, keep my head together and to put one foot in front of the other.  I hate any adventures that start like that and what ended up happening was me losing out on a lot of fun because of it.  We had an argument the night before we left, a cold one with words uttered that had me reeling and heart broken.

The day of the flight I was ignored in the coldest way possible and all because I offered him an empty bag while he was opening a really full one that was about to explode upon the floor… while he was stressed. Silly move but I at least know for next time… if there is a next time.

I haven’t had energy to blog about my trip, I’ve wanted to but my whole being was just flatter than a pancake in the pan.  Alas the pancake always rises (with the right flour of course) and I am almost back normal with a sense of humour in hand, planning on writing about all my observations in my normal way.

The funniest thing about it all though is the fact that once I got back from San Francisco I sat him down and asked him about the statements he made because they made me feel like a hired whore.  I sat and looked him in the eye and confronted, I confronted someone for the first time on something that happened without letting it get too far out of hand in my head.  I stood up for myself and stood my ground at the same time which was a huge leap for me, if you know me.

Jude and I have a new understanding, I now know where I stand with him and he with I.  He I think realises a little more that I am not like his ex wife or past girlfriend, I don’t get jealous of his affections to his kids and I don’t expect him to drop everything for me when they need him – this was his big thing.  It all takes time, for both us time will work its way.

The best part added to all of this… Littlefoot is now calling me his child minder and servant… apparently this is what he was told by the ex wife and he took it that that is what I am and will wipe his ass from here on in.  Thank God Jude stood up for me and put him in his place but dang did that bite hard.

So for the time being its one step in front of the other, constant affirmation to both myself and others of who I am and what I stand for, standing up for myself and not taking anymore shit.

Though looking back over this trip many would say it was a failure and perhaps going as far as to say it was hell I have to say it was good for my heart and soul.  I fell flat, flatter than flat, and found myself scraping myself off the floor and pulling myself towards myself.  I learnt about myself and fought off past habits of running from confrontation.  I started to breathe again and fight for my old self, resuscitation if you will.

This trip has been hell but all hell has a flip side, all bad things have a positive if we are willing to look for it, learn from it and stand up to be counted.  I am forcing myself as I have always done to find the good in the bad and there is lots of good.

I’m rebuilding, pulling all my spiritual limbs towards my spiritual body and trying to piece them all together again but in the old me style mixed with the new stronger me.

Each step backwards is two steps forwards, always has been and always will be… progress and getting stronger yet.

Coming soon… Pennsylvania, Meeting Vanessa and my experience of New Jersey and New York States… stay posted!

Rebuilding and bullet wounds

It’s funny, or perhaps not so much funny as ironic, how easy it is to forget how many times in our lives that our soul has been beaten to the point it is lying in a soulful pool of blood on the ground.  Its easy to forget how many times we’ve picked ourselves up from that pool of blood, re-attached limbs and regrouped.  It’s easy to forget the fact that each time that it happened, each time we picked ourselves up that we were stronger than ever before.

Oh so easy to forget the depths we have been when we are flying high in the sky, strong and unconquerable… that is until you find yourself back on the floor lying in that pool of soulful blood gasping for air and sending up the prayers to the Gods in hope they hear your pleas.

I have been knocked down to this level twice before now, the first time was when my mother fled to be with her husband leaving my younger brother and I to fend for ourselves.  Finding myself homeless without a single person to help me fend myself against the world rocked my world more than I have admitted.  I found myself after a time in lying on the floor sobbing, my soul slowly pumping blood through the bullet wounds, aching and totally bodiless.

It took a while for my inner fight to kick in, for it to pull my limbs back towards my spiritual body and re-attach.  I slowly built up defences and gained strength, I adapted my personality and became a new addition.  The bullet wounds started to heal but never fully often seeping through the facade of “I’m coping, I’m ok, I can do anything”.

But I was stronger.

The second time was when I left my long term partner of 6 years, small fry in the greater scheme of things compared to so many others.  I found myself clutching onto a dream of normality but this time instead of being simply abandoned by someone who was meant to protect me I found myself abandoned by myself.  I was hollow, I tried so hard to be strong, to do what I had to do, everything I did though was shot down by those in my life at the time.  Each shot was once again like a bullet wound to my soul pummelling every bit of last reserve I had.

I once again found myself lying on the floor sobbing in a pool of soulful blood, spiritual limbs strewn around me and the more I tried to pull them back towards my body the further they seemed to creep away.  This second time was far harder than the first, it almost broke me beyond recognition, all I was was an empty hollow torso with a faint heartbeat.

It took longer to talk those limbs into coming back for another fight, my inner strength was all but non existent.  Slowly I started separating myself from what I thought I should be, what I thought others thought I should be and accepting that I was once again a blank canvas on which to write.  The bullet wounds once again started to heal but just as before continued to seep through the facade of normality into reality.

But as time passed by those limbs returned to my spiritual body and slowly without realising it I became stronger once again, stronger than ever before.  The wounds though were more tender for I was trying to be this strong person others thought I should be, I was trying to face my demons and to heal.

With my inner fight, finally returned, in hand I started to scratch open those bullet wounds, extracted the historic venom and faced the demons that lurked deep within.  I felt stronger than ever before and fought hard to get to a place that symbolized progress, internal strength and someone I could be proud of, someone who could fend for themselves and whole.

I did a good job to.

The third time took longer to knock me down, the bullets were more steady yet the pace was slower.  A bullet would hit and I’d try process it, I found myself fighting back and taking it as a challenge, dealing with the wound when it happened instead of letting it fester.  The charade started a year and a half ago but there is only so many bullets a soul can take before it once again finds itself lying in a pool of its own blood on the floor again.

As time passed I found myself shying away from any chance that another would shoot another quick swift bullet in my direction, I became weaker and weaker as each one found its mark.  Slowly but surely I found it harder to pick myself up, those limbs returned but in a Frankenstein manner of haphazard attachment.  Shaky I tried to walk on broken pretending to be together.  Truth though is that there is only so long a body filled with bullets can stand before it falls down with a crash.

I get the feeling that as we age, or rather as we go through these shoot downs, these moments upon the floor, it gets harder and harder to regroup, to put ourselves back together again.  A year and a half of my personality, of everything I have done in the past, of everything I have tried to do, of who I am, who I hope to be, of what I want to be, my dreams, my reality, my beliefs, my love… bullets upon bullets, shot after shot, over and over again, time and time again, seemingly never ending.

Through it all I sought shelter, craved an island without bullets even if it were just for a few moments. Sometimes I found it, sometimes it eluded me and sometimes I came to the realisation that that island lies deep within me in a place no one can truly touch only to forget it once more.

How do you re-attach the spiritual bullet ridden limbs that are strewn all around you? How do you find the inner fight within you when you’re in a never ending warzone on the soul?

You just do… but remembering that you’ve managed to do it before definitely helps.

That and a healthy fuck you attitude

Sing… a new anthem

Don’t ask me why but I’ve been listening to a lot of Annie Lennox recently, something about her voice either calms me or gets me dancing around the house with a smile… it’s floating my proverbial boat and this song in particular. 

It’s lyrics are close to my heart for they are about the orphans I left behind, the faces of children that will forever be imprinted upon my mind, their sadness and their happiness, pain and heartache.  It’s about HIV and AIDS, the woman and the children, about a woman’s power and standing tall, respecting ourselves and those around us.  It’s powerful and amazing all in one.

 

Sing Lyrics
Annie Lennox

This is a call for the national implementation
Of mother to child transmission prevention
Programme in all the maternity hospitals
In South Africa
Sing, my sister… sing!
Let your voice be heard
What won’t kill you will make you strong
Sing, my sister… sing!
You don’t need
To disrespect yourself again
Don’t hide your light behind your fears
My women can be strong
You’ve known it all along
What you need
Is what you haven’t found
So…
Sing, my sister… sing!
Let your voice be heard
What won’t kill you will make you strong
Sing, my sister… sing!
Women are the mothers of the world, my friend
I tell you womankind is strong
Take your beautiful self up to the heights again
Back to the place where you belong
So…
Sing, my sister… sing!
Let your voice be heard
What won’t kill you will make you strong
Sing, my sister… sing!
C’mon my sisters now
Sing loud and sing proud
Sing my sister… sing!
Use your voice to call out
Let your voice be heard
Use your voice
For freedom
Let your voice be heard
Everywhere you go
For freedom
Yes freedom
The generics:
We know azt globally
Call : azt we know it. it is protecting children from hiv globally
Response : globally
Call : mtct
Response : protection
Call : we know nevirapine. it is protecting children from hiv globally.

Soul Hiatus

Last year was harder on me than I could admit at the time, it wasn’t only the surroundings I found myself in but rather the growth on my soul.  Everyday I was facing some aspect of myself, constantly working, tweaking, healing even when I didn’t think I was.  It took it out of me in all honesty.

I wrote so much about my past, all the abuse, the heartache, the survival, the everything. Opening those old wounds was hardcore most days.  With each word it replayed before my eyes sometimes like a movie, sometimes like reality.  I faced it and saw the lessons that lay dormant waiting for me to find.

Everyone constantly told me that I was doing better than I thought, told me that they believed in me, pointed me in the right direction, supported me and gave me credit. 

At the time it pulled me apart so much that I couldn’t face it, it scared me shitless and made me want to crawl into a corner.  I didn’t believe it or think it of myself, it was hard to take and in the end made me ultimately withdraw into a little corner cowering in fear that I would fuck it all up, that I would let these amazing people down… and when they saw the fuck ups they would retreat as well, they would disappear.

A hard truth but a truth none the less, a resident never dormant for long fear… that I am facing.

Soul Hiatus… everyone thought I was strong but it wasn’t the case, not at all.  Most days I felt like a kid standing in bigger shoes than I could handle, some days I still do. 

I took a break, I should’ve taken one sooner but didn’t want to let anyone down, I resisted it because of what it meant to me as well. I was stubborn to think that I could handle it all with out a few heavy bumps, a few heavy knock downs… it takes its toll even when we don’t want to admit it.

I faced a lot, tried to run from it, came back and faced it again and then life kicked me in the butt and tossed me back into the world.  I found myself returning with a few big surprises that shook a few more foundations than I have been ready to admit.

I suddenly found myself on constant alert not to turn into my mother or make her mistakes once more, looking after two impressionable kids scared the living shit out of me.  Every single thing I found myself doing I did in petrified happiness, the purest kind of petrified, the purest kind of happiness.

When I experienced my breakdown a couple of weeks ago it was a turning point for me.  Everything had built up so much that I just had to release it, I was a wreck and lower than I have been in many years.  I stopped mid stage five tearbreaker (the kind that has you doubled over and pulls muscles) and went cold to my toes.  Where I was I had sworn to myself never to return once more, I was looking down at the dark tunnel hanging on to the ledge with my fingernails about to fall into its depths of darkness.

This new blog is a chance for me to be me again, come what may, say what may.  The old one had to be put to proverbial rest, a chapter that has closed and a new that has been opened.  Some will never understand why I did it and that is ok, I did it for my sanity alone and no one else’s.

My soul took an hiatus of sorts but I can feel once more that the little thing is slowly shaking off the cobwebs and reaching out once more.  Perhaps it is because I know more of where I am and where I am going, perhaps it is acceptance of the things I can’t change and things I can and am.

In life we can only run and hide for so long, no matter how far we go life has a way of pulling you back… when you’re ready.